


tell me

by raewxi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Non-Graphic Description of Illness, Post-Time Skip, hinted bokuaka/kuroken, kghn seems a bit ooc but oh wells i tried :'), thrs fluff sprinkle within the seas of sadness dw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 09:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27968144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raewxi/pseuds/raewxi
Summary: the story of kageyama tobio and hinata shoyou; detailed through the years they thought would be endless
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi, it's my first attempt at angst. not (rly) beta-read i die like a bad bitch
> 
> i spent nights trying to piece things together and i hope everyone reading this can feel the essence of what i tried to capture. i don't like to write very obvious portrayals bc i think it's pointless to force-feed emotions; so i think everyone might have their own interpretations of the story
> 
> hope you guys enjoy it! feel free to drop qns n comments :) i'd love to read about your thoughts

**tell me**

_i'm dreaming 'bout you every night_

_but you're not by my side_

_i need you_

_i need you right here_

kageyama tobio was one of the strongest people hinata shoyou ever knew. his strong will and determination to aim for the top, even when everything felt so foreign and their goals so distant. his strong blueberry eyes that seem to bore into everyone’s soul, peeking into a void of endless dusky skies. his strong built, all broad shoulders and towering silhouette; covering all the horizons hinata can’t fathom how to reach.

even now, hinata still thinks there will never be another person stronger than kageyama.

•

hinata can’t believe he ended up halfway across the globe and left everything he was familiar with behind. karasuno, miyagi, his family and friends, kageyama tobio.

they had promised to meet again, at the peak. kageyama expects nothing less from the orange-haired teen. no, they were no longer teens , they were young adults; crows waiting to spring into the furthest skies with unbounded potential.

hinata waded through the toughest of his foreign training, which was the language barriers and the lack of kageyama tobio. the setter he had been so used to, the person who knew his every move by heart; the person who broke so many boundaries for him; helping him morph into the soaring dreamer he is today. they were the “freak first years” , the “monster duo” , the “inseparable veterans”

.

it did feel strange, the lack of somehow endearing berating of the raven-haired. the missing arguments that perpetrated the air during training that earned them glares from daichi back when they were first years. hinata’s lockscreen is still their photo together - him lying straight on the wooden floor of the gymnasium; kageyama, yamaguchi, and tsukishima in the background, yacchan smiling so happily. it seemed not so long ago that all those dreamy years ended, in flashes of volleyball and rushing papers through the night and yamaguchi’s awkward laughter and tsukishima's stupidly annoying remarks and racing alongside kageyama and exchanging gossip with yacchan.

brazil was a whole new different world for hinata, whose life revolved around the miyagi prefecture. back then even tokyo felt like a different world. though the times he visited the bustling capital increased over the years, something about the sprawling city still felt so different from miyagi’s suburban rawness. the hills and slopes he had cycled every day without fail. but brazil is all sun and sea, the salt in the air seemed to have permanently seeped into hinata’s skin and hair. he was much tanner than when he first arrived, and his hair was so exposed to the dry sea winds that they frizzed out so much.

“you look like a dried orange peel.” kageyama had blandly commented when hinata sent him a selfie of himself in a tropical shirt on the ipanema beach. hinata fumed at the comment, furiously typing an equally passive-aggressive reply. kageyama was just so damn good at giving off-hand irritating comments. but deep down, hinata felt something click within him.

•

when they finally met again, it's in opposite jerseys, opposite teams. kageyama’s hair had changed, hinata thinks it suits him. framed his eyes better rather than drowning their deep blue out. hinata thinks it's unfair, since when did this nasty little bastard get so good looking? is it the two years i’ve missed him? what did he even eat, i’m sure he got taller again?

but kageyama seemed to be smiling with his whole body now, even if hinata is unsure why. he couldn’t for the life of him, figure why in the world did kageyama seem so damn happy. even as he sets the ball for someone else on the other side of the net, kageyama’s glances seem to always land back on hinata. it’s not one of kageyama’s infamous glares, it’s something more , but something less .

when the flushes of screaming settled around them, hinata was aware the jackals had won. his teammates clap him on his back, hard but reassuring. kageyama is still standing, he isn’t scowling, or being annoyed. he’s smiling again, something more dazzling than the blinding skylights that beam down loudly on them. hinata hasn’t moved a step, kageyama opens his mouth first.

“you made it.”

he did. hinata did, after two years, running barefoot across the hot sands of brazilian beaches. there they were again, facing each other, kageyama doesn’t seem too bothered by the defeat. hinata flashes a huge grin.

“yeah, i’m here now.”

•

“so are you staying for good this time?” yacchan had asked him excitedly when they finally got away from the cameras and interviews and reunions with old friends. tsukkishima had a very dead expression, “i sure hope he doesn’t. i’d hate to put up with more stupid arguments from these two.” and earning kageyama’s not-so-very-threatening glare which he outrightly ignores.

hinata shrugs. “i’m not sure either, huh. the national team has offered a spot for me.” yacchan and yamaguchi both looked very impressed.

“as expected from you.” yamaguchi looked very proud for some reason, at that moment, hinata thought he was looking at daichi. their old teammates had all come to watch them, down to takeda-sensei and coach ukai, who good-naturedly slaps both kageyama and hinata after their match.

“good job on making to the peak, you terrible punks.” coach ukai looked very offended. “not a single visit in these two years… i was thinking both of you had finally killed each other off court. but since kageyama has been appearing in all those advertisements, it’s a little hard to ignore…” hinata’s brains had shut off at this point: kageyama endorsing products? what in the flying balls- that dreadful expression would never sell…

hinata sideward glances at kageyama, who’s busy replying to the congrats and pity messages from his acquaintances and such. he gulps, kageyama has grown well into his looks. there was no denying that the raven-haired was handsome. tsukishima and yamaguchi are bickering about something while yacchan was watching intensely for an outcome.

kageyama’s blue eyes meet his, and hinata’s heart feels like a jump float serve. losing its way across the net, unpredictably landing in a safe underhand dig.

•

they end up in the same apartment. for no good reason other than hinata’s laziness.

“you’re rich now.” kageyama had complained without any motive, “even that nekoma dude’s sponsoring you… i don’t see why you can’t get your own apartment.”

“i’m lazy.” hinata’s slumps onto kageyama’s pristine navy blue sofa and earns himself a cushion in the face. “the view here is pretty good. and you have more than enough rooms for us both.” it’s true, the apartment overlooked the tokyo metropolis, the bright red and white metal of the tokyo tower that fascinated hinata as a youth loomed in the distance. as much as kageyama’s taste in everything else was trashy, he had picked a prime location for his lodging.

“the view huh…” kageyama sighs and opens the fridge ( “for goodness sake do you have a milk fetish,” hinata had shouted not so softly and kageyama gives him the death glare. “that’s too much milk to even be healthy) , reaching for a bottle of calpris for hinata and milk for himself.

the bottle of calpris is cold, but hinata’s heart is surprisingly warm in the windy air of autumn.

•

they spent the days in the olympic training grounds, many familiar faces had shown up across the days. that was bokuto, the noisy owl sounding former-rival from fukurodani. the scary ushijima who was still very socially awkward, despite the rumours from little birds that told hinata that he finally had a romantic interest. and the list goes on. but nothing seemed to give hinata bigger joy than collaborating with his familiar setter friend. though iwaizumi did complain that they were a troublesome duo who never seemed to stop bickering over the smallest things. 

kageyama and hinata develop a routine in the years running up to the olympics, they wake up together. they go for a morning run in the neighbourhood park, sometimes they have fans coming up to them (mostly kageyama, that asshole is weirdly popular among girls) for autographs. on most days they finish peacefully, kageyama gets his daily dose of milk, and hinata has a hot meat bun from a nearby store. depending on their schedules, a) they report to the training ground, b) they end up doing very mundane things like gaming at home and screaming over who gets to play which character, c) kageyama is off for a shoot or some sort of interview and hinata is left alone in the 2 bedroom apartment. which becomes strangely bigger and discerning. but they end off the day together, dinner is something healthy enough for an athlete.

it becomes almost all too domestic, something printed in hinata’s system. even when kageyama berates him for leaving the windows open during autumn, hinata sinks into the habit of looking right at him as he finds excuses to chase hinata out of the house. these threats never come true.

•

the olympics were postponed, much to everyone’s concern. hinata is particularly disappointed, but he would rather have his plans be delayed then play during a pandemic, too irresponsible even for his hot-headedness.

there’s nothing they can do in the months that tokyo stopped moving. the streets became clear of cars and people, and their apartment is filled with the voices of only them. sometimes they’d facetime their friends or online game with kenma, whom kuroo often complains of being an absolute gaming addict ever since the city had locked down. 

kageyama learns how to cook properly, other than bland athlete-approved food. there’s hinata’s favourite tamago kake gohan, miyagi’s famous kaki ryori since kageyama somehow got his hands on the rare oysters. but if hinata had to choose a favourite, its kageyama's yakisoba, the delicate balance of sweet and savoury soy sauce, and mix of wild vegetables (it’s an iwaizumi-approved dish, kageyama is quite proud about it). they sometimes share pictures of their newest cooking shenanigans in their various group chats. once tsukishima made a rare appearance and told them to stop disturbing his life, hinata couldn’t quite get why though.

they are just so comfortable, settling into the slower life of days without rigorous training, everything seemed to have stopped spinning. time isn’t flying like the days on the courts, shoes sliding, sweat pouring, pants, and strategic glances. kageyama becomes tamer? hinata isn’t quite sure if that is the correct adjective, but something about kageyama changes. maybe it’s his newfound patience. maybe it’s the way he goes out of his way to satisfy hinata’s random bouts of craving in the mundane days without much. maybe it’s the seemingly insignificant glances and touches and flicker of something more, hinata couldn’t pinpoint anything. maybe it’s the way kageyama’s eyes lighten when hinata praises his dishes, dancing in the lighting reflecting off tokyo’s less vibrant but equally brilliant night sky.

maybe it’s when they finally collide, hinata’s breathing evens out, as if this wasn’t a surprise, as if it was all in his plan, as if he could finally loosen his shoulders and sink into this sweet, sweet ecstasy.

“i never told you, did i?” kageyama had asked him one night.

“what?” hinata is genuinely curious. he couldn’t read minds, how would he know.

“that back in third year, when i told you to see you later.” kageyama pauses. “i thought i’d regret it, but i didn’t, since everything leads back to now.” hinata giggles, kageyama was weirdly sentimental sometimes, a side he didn’t expect from the usually stoic setter. but something in kageyama’s smile and eyes that looked into the distant horizon is different, hinata wishes that moment would last, until the very end.

•

when life finally resumes, their teammates find themselves stuck in the “stench of love” , as their libero morizumi describes with a disgusted expression. bokuto laughs very boisterously, but there’s a nervous undertone (“i think akaashi-san and bokuto-san are worse.” kageyama very outrightly states, “i remember bokuto-san crying to me about how akaashi-san was not with him during the lockdown.”)

the olympics season has them thrown right back into a hectic training schedule, not made for couples in love. but the two made do with it, stealing quick kisses in the locker rooms and showers and cafeteria and on the way back home and back in the apartment. even if they were worn out to their bones, hinata felt that it would all pay off.

and dang well it did. japanese national team, for the first time since 1992, made it beyond the top twelve. dubbed the “monster generation”, “the next soaring champions'' and “young, hot and fresh blood''. hinata felt the exhilaration when karasuno qualified for the spring high, all those years back then, alongside his teammates and his trusted partner.

“the monster duo is back huh?’ suga-san had teased them during a quick gathering. “please don’t lose in the quarterfinals like back then.” they all shared a laugh, it was a regret, but hinata thinks - if just like kageyama said, everything led up to now, then there’s nothing to regret about.

they make history, with one the strongest teams in the history of the japanese volleyball team, clinching third. kageyama’s snug hand around hinata’s waist felt so safe, as the shutters of cameras go off and burn bright impressions into his eyelids. he spies kageyama’s glinting eyes, unwavering as they look back into hinata’s - and he sees the hot-headed black-hair youth he knew since they first encountered during junior high. the one who screams “ idiot” at him daily and competes with him over anything and everything.

the world felt complete. this , hinata thinks, was worth all the trouble and scoldings and beatings.

•

life goes on, hinata joins another club and so does kageyama. their clubs in polar opposite continents. kuroo jokes that they really should stop doing things without telling the other. kageyama argues that long-distance will finally “give me the time and space to renew myself so that i can deal with this shortie for the rest of my life” . kuroo doesn’t give him time to take back those words before he starts a new bout of relentless teasing until hinata butts in and tells him to “fess up to kenma-san before we force you to” . kuroo does shut up after that.

the leagues begin, they are separated by distance and time. hinata suddenly wishes the cities will stop moving again. he misses kageyama’s homemade food, the smile on his face when hinata digs into his food like a ravenous crow, the smell of his cologne: soft, and strong, and comforting, and like the winters of tokyo, quiet.

that’s when hinata realizes how strong kageyama seemed to him. his impression of his setter seemed to rewind back to their bickering throughout high school. they were childish back then when it seemed that there was no other way to express feelings other than outdoing each other.

it’s funny really, what brought them together was what separated them.

hinata wishes kageyama was by his side, through spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

through the years, slowly but surely.

the leagues end. they go back to the two-bedroom apartment they fell in love in the previous, previous summer. hinata has made up his mind, that maybe it’s time to settle down, he had spent the last years drifting across the globe. they were older now, much tamed by their experiences wearing them down even if they find it hard to admit.

“tanaka-san and kiyoko-san’s kid is really cute!” yacchan had very proudly shown off the photo as if she was the mother. “when can we see yours?” kageyama almost choked on his food and hinata turned darker than the shade of his hair. tsukkishima vaguely says, “idiots shouldn’t have children you know. don’t cause the society more problems.” yamaguchi laughs, and they all do. 

a family. hinata thinks, he thinks about his sister natsu, who’s already a college student. time truly does fly . hinata’s attention finally flutters back into reality as kageyama’s warm embrace envelops him.

“let’s go to the tokyo tower tonight.” kageyama suddenly says. hinata frowns, what in the world , “why?”

kageyama shrugs, “nothing. i just realised that our visits there have always been rushed.” not that he has said it, hinata recalls. their first trip to the tokyo tower was after they lost to kamomendai back in first year. but hinata was super upset and still giddy after his fever bout, so everything rushed in a blur. which was a real pity, since the nekoma team had bullied them into going to the tower so they would “stop mistaking every single transmission tower for that famous landmark like the country bumpkin crows they are” , quoting kuroo directly.

the next time they go there is when they finally placed third in the nationals, but they had to rush back to miyagi because the third years were anxious about their final exams. even kageyama had pointedly said that it mainly only concerned yamaguchi, tsukishima, and yacchan because he was already on the national team. “if you weren’t such an athlete you’d be a failure. for someone who looks so serious you are trash at academics…” tsukkishima had poked.

it’s autumn again, hinata decides that a hoodie was a good clothing choice. and for some reason, kageyama doesn’t nag him for his fashion choice, even if he was obviously, slightly overdressed. slicked-back hair, a white dress shirt and a brown checkered blazer with grey dress pants. hinata felt plain and he found an excuse to go changeup. he finds an old maroon dress shirt and couples it with a thinner beige suede coat, leaving the black jeans on. for an odd reason, kageyama shone brighter than usual. even in those commercials where they had dolled him up and asked him to put on a professional smile.

evening in tokyo, their car inched towards its destination. kageyama’s surprisingly relaxed for someone whose driving skills is barely passable (“for an athlete your hand-eye coordination is trashy. i bet the instructor only passed you because you’re famous.” hinata had commented the first time he sat in kageyama’s car. kageyama returned the insult by stepping very suddenly on the brake, hinata curses when his head hits the headboard).

the tokyo tower cast a golden light over them as kageyama and hinata got out of the car. “are we eating dinner here?” hinata asked, he didn’t get a reply. kageyama simply held onto his hand till the gate, where they were greeted by a kindly gramp. “you’re the kids from the volleyball team, aren’t ya?” his smiles reached his eyes in crinkles, but hinata felt proud as he nodded his head and thanked the gramps. kageyama’s hand tighten for no reason. they walk in silence, and hinata’s stomach almost spoils the moment by growling. but kageyama suddenly coughs.

hinata is slightly annoyed, his boyfriend had suddenly made plans to a pretty landmark, but behaves strangely. a thousand thoughts ran wild in his mind, is he going to break up with me? maybe he doesn’t like me that much after all… it’s just the familiarity and spending time together had disillusioned him.

suddenly hinata found kageyama holding both his hands in an awkward but surprisingly tender fashion. kageyama was averting any form of eye contact, hinata was almost close to calling him “bakayama” when the younger finally opened up.

he’s staring at hinata’s hands. “i’m not good with words,” he starts off and finally looks into hinata’s eyes. hinata drowns in a world of blues that seems to spin faster with every passing moment.

“but i wanted to let you know how much you meant to me. not just as a boyfriend, but as someone who urged me on even in the darkest days. hinata shouyou, you are human sun sometimes. i know my words have never been much kinder to you but- but believe me when i say ‘ i love you ’.”

kageyama reaches for something and settles into a kneeling position that will haunt (what he means is that it’s a shocking sight from the usually prideful setter) hinata for the rest of his life.

“i felt like this was the right time,” hinata isn’t quite sure if the red on kageyama’s face was due to the lights from the tower or the cold or just his nerves.

“ will you marry me? ”

hinata is aware that his jaw drops a little and his eyes widen but something instinctive in him tells him to scream yes. even if the world would yell a deafening “no!” .

“yes.” hinata feels the word slip out of his mouth not a second too soon. “yes!” he repeats it just a little louder. “yes, kageyama tobio.” hinata’s sight blurs, the lights all squeezing together around a face too familiar, a face he’d learn to love.

kageyama tobio smiles, it’s a charming smile, something that makes hinata’s heart beat so fast in its bony cage that he thinks that he might burst out any minute.

somewhere under the illustrious lights of the tokyo tower, two lovers embrace in the fluttering breeze of autumn drawn together with burgundy leaves and lights that envelope them in golden showers.

•

“i can’t believe that the king had the guts to propose.” were tsukkishima’s first words when hinata broke the news to his high school friends. yamaguchi laughs, the usual, in reaction to the bespectacled’s straightforward words.

kageyama is a shade of crimson that he tries to hide with fluttering hands, slim but calloused from years of training. hinata laughs boisterously too. yeah , he’d never thought this day would come either.

the apartment is still the same, but there are more intertwined traces of them. toothbrushes in their favourite colours neatly tucked into the mug by the sink, hoodies lying around the apartment that they are just too lazy to keep, sports equipment that they can no longer differentiate, fresh groceries in the fridge that is not just milk or calpris.

everything felt right, at least that was what they knew and what they had, even if their own small world spun endlessly.

on a normal monday they make it to the headlines, “volleyball stars hinata shouyou and kageyama tobio signed to BBCORP panthers, newest team to join the v-league; CEO kenma kozume to officiate the opening ceremony” . playing for their friend’s club seemed like a faraway dream back when they were teens, now that it was a present reality, hinata was a little light-headed. but they were happy, kenma had been talking about sponsoring a club for a while now. kuroo simplified the process to start up with his connections in the volleyball association.

life became more grounded, they travel back to miyagi during summer and pay their parents the proper respects. everything seemed so peaceful and on track, just hinata and kageyama, taking on the world just as they dreamed.

•

the v-league starts in autumn the following year. a long earned break for the newly engaged couple, who found it in their schedule to go places they’ve never been. they planned a road trip around japan, going to various prefectures and visiting iconic landmarks.

kageyama’s tiredness shown then, as if the years of sports had worn him out. he slept when hinata drove on the freeways lined with acres and acres of green fields or winding roads coasted by the hue of blues that reflected the beams of the sun. he slept soundly especially after visits to hot springs or a long day spent discovering local food hidden in alleyways of rustic towns. he slept and slept sometimes, the years disappearing from his face as if he was still the petty high schooler all those years ago. hinata liked the way his eyelashes cast soft shadows across the curve of his cheeks, a vague outline of fluttering lids.

it’s almost summer when they are finally back in miyagi. takeda-sensei had invited them back to karasuno for a visit and a few wise words to gift their juniors. “the team’s pretty promising. we have a setter and ace pairing. they’re kinda similar to you, maybe just less troublesome. but they are still growing.” hinata punches kageyama good-naturedly, who only rolls his eyes and rebukes that hinata was the one challenging him back then.

the setter is a young raven-haired boy with quick brown eyes. the ace had blonde streaks lining the dark chestnut of his hair, framing curious grey pupils. hinata and kageyama demonstrate some serves and they get into a two-two formation for a quick face-off. 

the young duo deals a quick set, something they claimed to have picked up from watching their seniors matches. hinata reacts a slight second too late, and kageyama dives deep into the backcourt to save the ball. the ball lands a couple of inches away from kageyama’s outstretched arm on the ground, when he gathers the ball and gets up to laugh it off, hinata is alarmed by the red dripping from his nose.

“kageyama, your nose.” hinata’s voice is filled with concern. the last time he saw kageyama with a nosebleed was maybe that time in first year. kageyama wipes a smudge of crimson off with the back of his hand, a girl, supposedly the manager of the team, rushes in with a towel and a bottle of water.

“seems like we have a good group of successors eh.” kageyama jokes even as he tilts back his head to stop the blood flow. “they even managed to make me bleed.”

it’s a small incident that hinata isn’t reminded of, until very much later, when it meant something more than just a careless happening.

•

back to training, back in tokyo. the v-league supposedly starts in mid october, they have a good while to get used to the team filled with familiar faces. their manager is a young but capable girl, kie senyuu, supposedly also a legendary tactical adviser for a small aichi prefecture team who placed runner-up for the spring high years after kageyama and hinata graduated.

bokuto is still loud and a little too stuck in his head, akaashi comes around during breaks and chides him for being too unpredictable for the young team. ushijima is even more stoic than kageyama, who has evolved into a weird blend of awkwardness and witty comments. kuroo jokes about maybe joining the team on the bench so that he can escape paperwork, kenma tells him he is out of touch. kuroo’s lilting smile dissolves into a sheepish one, the team good-humouredly tells him he’s welcome to join anytime.

even if their habits and personality have evolved overtime, one thing about kageyama remains constant: milk. kageyama’s habit to have one after he’s cooled down from training remains.

it’s their last training for the week, somehow kageyama had disappeared from the lockers before hinata exited the shower.

“i’m going to get us some snacks. the usual?” there’s a weird pause in kageyama’s voice, hinata presumes it’s fatigue from their practice. probably nothing.

“yeah. thanks, kags.” there’s no verbal answer, but the footsteps fading into the distance tells hinata that kageyama has gone away. the shower next to him is still running. it's probably their libero shibayama, who came into the showers last. hinata lets the rest of the bubbles drain away in a flowery scent.

the steam takes some of hinata’s exhaustion away. he turns the tap off, reaches for the towel at the door, and steps out into the cooler air of the locker room.

he can’t find kageyama anywhere, maybe he’s still at the convenience store. the rest of the team had longed packed up and left, only iwaizumi was still in the gym rewatching their videos from the practice.

“hey iwaizumi-san,” hinata was careful not to startle the trainer as he frowned in focus, “have you seen kageyama?” 

iwaizumi looks up with raised eyebrows. “uh he ran out a while ago. i guess he’s still at the convenience store or got held up?”

hinata briskly jogs to the convenience store just beside the gymnasium, but there’s no sign of kageyama. he gets a little worried and pulls out his phone to text the setter.

**to: kage <3**

_yaaa kkkkkageyamaaa whr r u?_

there’s no immediate reply, so hinata’s stuck standing at the foyer of the gymnasium all alone. his head poking around for signs of a 6’1 ft giant with ruffled black hair and blueberry eyes. his phone jingles and hinata reacts to it at the speed of a monster quickly.

**from: kage <3**

_sorry i’m in the toilet at the lobby_

_wait for me outside for a bit_

hinata doesn’t question anything, he just patiently stands under the shade of the foyer, watching passing cars and pedestrians as he fumbles around with his social media accounts. within five minutes he hears the quiet platter of familiar footsteps. he turns around and is faced with the familiar mop of dark hair, an untouched bottle of calpris grasping between slender fingers juggling a smartphone and gym bag.

“sorry i made you wait.” kageyama’s expression was clouded by something unreadable that hinata had lost to the facade of smiling eyes peeking over his mask. “here’s your calpris. it’s kinda lukewarm now though…” kageyama looked slightly down at that point but hinata hurriedly pushed them toward the bus stop, nagging about the suffocating indian summer.

there’s a coat of cold sweat on kageyama’s forehead that hinata’s eyes miss. there’s a patch of wet on the front of his team jacket. there are his abnormally frozen fingers that hinata seemed to neglect. there’s also kageyama’s obvious weariness present in his eyes and voice, the strain as he tries to keep up with hinata as the latter skipped his way down the pavement.

there’s so much to be seen, but hinata was caught up in the very moment of life, where there seemed nothing was between him and kageyama tobio.

kageyama falls asleep on their bus ride back home, his head lolls around against the window. the settling sunset of warm shades cast dancing ghosts across kageyama’s pretty features. his eyelashes play a game of shadow puppets across his slim nose bridge, pushing and pulling as the light drifts in their distance.

hinata figured it’d be too bumpy to be comfortable, and so he adjusts his position and pushes kageyama’s head against his shoulder. he watches the falls and rises in kageyama’s chest that seem so steadfast and comfortingly habitual.

for now, hinata was content, contented with the warmth that swallowed him whole, carefree, and soothing.

•

the start of the v-league season has them face off tokio dolphins in the first match. there are some familiar faces on the team, but all was good with their deadly duo of setter and hitter. ushijima even claps him on his back, something all too rare and has hinata almost screaming on the court.

bokuto is energetic as always, hinata was sure kageyama is starting to find bokuto as a decoy a very, very tempting plan. iwaizumi yells from the sidelines when their opponents launch tense attacks on them. hinata suddenly becomes aware that kageyama’s blue orbs are making contact with his, as if to say: it’s our chance.

hinata acknowledges with a subtle nod. their ever reliant attack springs into action. the ball gets a one-touch from suna and kageyama falls in line with the ball's trajectory. his arms reach out for a set and hinata is already across the court; their opponents' eyes widening at the long lost broad shot.

but there’s a slight hesitation in kageyama’s motions, as if he felt something was off. hinata can’t show his worries now, not when everyone’s attention was on him. the ball flies towards him across the court, his fingers flat against the flying ball. he has a revelation that the ball was slightly higher, was kageyama pushing him to avoid the block? but there isn’t a wall…

did kageyama tobio make a mistake?

hinata thoughts are interrupted by the loud thud of his spike landing in the opposite court. he’s safely standing in front of the net, kageyama’s small victorious smile brightens up his face.

“anddddd there goes the infamous monster quick duo. this move had been their signature since their shared high school volleyball days. rising monster generation members kageyama tobio and hinata shouyou, setter and hitter, jerseys 9 and 10 - once again secure the panthers their match point…”

victory was so close that hinata almost forgets about the amiss set, kageyama’s glaring-but-i’m-actually-happy expression awakens a long lost nostalgia. hinata rotates to the backcourt, all that’s left to be done is to watch the raven-haired setter collaborate with the remaining hitters.

of course, they win that match, and they win more matches, they win against the famous mori pharm samurais and korigawa deers. kageyama is as happy as hinata ever sees him, they return to their soho apartment where everything feels right and they laugh as kageyama whips up a meal fit for the kings.

hinata’s so absorbed in teasing kageyama that he doesn’t see the shivers in kageyama’s hands as the knife clatters against their pristine kitchen floors.

there’s a moment of panic, of hinata reaching forward in a chorus of “are you okay?” s and kageyama airily laughing it off, pulling his hand away and picking up the knife casually. the rest of the evening goes as smoothly as ever, kageyama seemed to be in high spirits especially when his tamago came out perfect and fluffy. hinata teases that he’d make the perfect househusband.

“hmmm, maybe you should consider retiring.” the glints in kageyama’s amused eyes drive hinata’s babble on. “and become the house husband. you’d cook and i’d play ball, but i think you’d oppose.” hinata pouts and leans against the counter, kageyama chuckles and shoos him away with the spatula.

“that’s not half bad you know.” kageyama muses and settles his dishes onto the dining table with hinata’s uncoordinated help.

in the world below and beyond, lights sprinkled across the horizon of the settling dusk, vehicles rushing through tangled lines of streets creating twisting threads of light, and everything intertwined together in a blurring mess of imprints. the two start the meal with the standard greeting and dig into what hinata can only describe as the “best meal he’s ever eaten since he left his parents’ place” . kageyama snorts ungracefully and pours himself a glass of milk, hinata chides him for pairing cold drinks with their wild veggie miso.

“you will get a stomachache.”

“i won’t.”

“you might.”

“it’s bad for you.”

“okay.” kageyama ends with a childish smile, taking a sip out of his glass. in the instant he puts down his glass, there’s a change in his expression as kageyama tumbles out of his chair in a flash way faster then hinata could react. there’s a violet slam of the bathroom door and hinata could only wait for the flush of water to know.

it took about ten minutes before kageyama appeared, his complexion was more ashen than usual. the silence accompanied by laboured breathing made hinata’s heart clench. kageyama doesn’t move, slumped against the cool tiles of their bathroom floor. hinata wants to say something, but nothing he says really would mean much.

maybe it was nothing. maybe it was just the heat of tokyo’s sickening summer. maybe it was just the accumulated fatigue from their years as athletes. maybe kageyama was just too worn out. maybe he just needs rest. maybe it would be better. maybe.

somehow unknowingly, all the maybes piled up into a truth that hinata couldn’t swallow.

kageyama tries to get up but something in him loses balance and hinata fumbled for his arm. there’s a loud wince, hinata watches kageyama hang his head in a defeated manner he never wished to see. minutes tickled by and none of them speaks. kageyama has leaned into hinata’s thighs, and hinata didn’t move a muscle.

if he doesn’t move, maybe nothing changes.

“i’m sor-“

“don’t say it.” is all hinata manages. the breathlessness in kageyama’s voice is enough to break the remaining walls he has up. “please don’t say it.” kageyama becomes still for a while, then he struggles back onto his feet, wobbling as he tries to grasp the countertop for a hold. his nails dug into hinata’s arms, as if desperate for something warm and solid. hinata doesn’t even flinch. the hitter has to look up now. his setter has always been the taller one, he always will be.

kageyama’s lips are pale, and they quiver in the dim bathroom lights. the beads of sweat that dot his hairline should be from exercise on the court, but hinata knows they are not. his normally ruffled black hair sickeningly flattens against his face.

hinata hates this so much. he hates how there’s to be done. he hates how there’s more to this, and there should have been more to their story. hinata hates the dull sheen on kageyama’s face, as if everything is crushing him down and he struggles to heave the skies from falling. kageyama’s embrace is soft, it still smells like him, fresh detergent and a twinge of clean cologne. hinata feels the tears swirling in his eyes, and the scenes mush together like the end of a kaleidoscope.

“don’t you dare cry.” a muffled voice whispers gently against hinata’s head. “there’s nothing to cry about. i’m still here, aren’t i?”

the dull heavy skies are broken, and arrows of sunbeams fall through, but somehow rain accompanies it.

•

“when did this start happening?” hinata has cleared the dishes, chasing kageyama off to the couch and confining him to nothing but looking at his phone. kageyama’s guilty demeanor suggests that he’s been hiding the truths for quite a while.

“since i came back from italy.” kageyama sighs in defeat, his hair sweeps over his avoidant eyes. hinata tries to count the days.

since he came back from italy.

it’s been almost two years. two years! hinata thinks to himself, almost 730 days… and kageyama has been keeping everything to himself. no wonder sometimes he gets off beat even when all seemed well, hinata had assumed it’s the accumulation of sports injury and fatigue from training all the time. kageyama’s mysterious disappearances disguised as practice sessions with kunimi and kindaichi ever since he claimed to have ran into them at the gymnasium. they were sessions at the hospitals.

hinata can’t even imagine the huge burden kageyama tried shouldering despite his failing constitution. his always nonchalant and somewhat happy-go-lucky attitude, all a facade just to entertain the ideas of forever with his lover. hinata wanted to blame himself, to blame his naive carelessness but he knows it’d change nothing. he starts to recall all the small happenings that he should see the truth in.

kageyama stops buying as much milk, claiming he saw an article that said some compound present in milk interferes with digestion. hinata laughs at him and tells him there are other kinds of milk, plant-based and whatnot. but kageyama sulkily says the taste different. he never mentions it again/

the weird nosebleeds that happen too often to be normal. but kageyama says it's the tokyo summer heat, hinata chides him for not taking enough fluids. but kageyama only ruffles his hair and tells him it’s alright.

sleepy kageyama. he sleeps all the time other than when he’s active. he sleeps on the bus to the gym, the train back to their apartment, he sleeps while waiting for hinata to finish bathing so they could start a netflix show, he sleeps after an intense practice session, he sleeps through his victory broadcasts. but there are still signs of purples and blues under his eyes, but kageyama never complains.

“hey, i’m going to meet kunimi and kindaichi.” kageyama’s slung his duffel bag over his shoulders, hinata gives him a big smile and waves him goodbye. “you want anything, i think i’m going to takeaway tonight.” hinata shakes his head and tells kageyama that anything is good. when kageyama comes home that night, he’s wearing their old karasuno jacket and his smile is a little off, but he doesn’t falter when hinata’s lips touch his skin like silent boots on cold snow.

the bruises on kageyama’s arms from the volleys he receives should be something alarming. but kageyama starts wearing arm sleeves despite his previous respite for it. “they make me less sensitive, y'know.” he even complains about finger tapes. but he’s said nothing about this. hinata takes it that he cares about himself getting hurt, he even felt gratified.

it felt like the universe was playing a massive joke on him. what about the proposal? what happened to staying together as a pair? hinata couldn’t breathe, it felt as if something massive had pinned him down like a paralysis. kageyama’s rough palms closed around his, and hinata found his vision tunneling with wetness.

there’s a sweet sensation of softness and minty scent. hinata feels his tears trailing down his cheeks to his jaw and kageyama’s small sigh against his lips. if only time would stay. hinata wants it to stay so badly, so he could selfishly keep everything away from derailing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kageyama loves to cook, i refuse to accept criticism
> 
> i wanted to post everything in one-shot but i couldn't come up with the rest of the story TTATT; i've got the ending already down though *evil laughter*
> 
> disclaimer: ik rl rules for sports league means that it's impossible that BBCORP panthers start out as a division 1 team but for the sake of the plot let's ignore it heh


	2. part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happiness is always short lived; but they deserve happiness so i'm giving it to them TAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an update shorter than i would have liked but srsly writer's block is such a bitch

it’s slow, but hinata sees the changes in their life. kageyama had talked about asking someone to take over his position as setter in the BBCORP panthers. hinata pursed his lips, oikawa would have been kageyama’s best choice. but his former senior no longer played for japanese league teams.

“hmmm, morizumi told me that his ex-setter is looking for a club too. minami akise? does that name ring any bells?” kageyama sounds softer than usual, they were in the supermarket buying groceries for the week. he’s looking at milk, recently kageyama seemed to develop an interest in goats’ milk ( _ “did you know? goat’s milk has the same make-up as breast milk.” kageyama is reading off an online article. “it’s superior to cow’s milk.”) _ .

“i think so.” hinata felt a large lump in his throat that didn’t dissipate even when he swallowed. “he plays for a german club right?”

kageyama hums nonchalantly, a bright sparkle in his eyes as he picked up fresh produce from miyagi.

“the chestnuts look great this time of the year. you like them don’t you?” kageyama pulls his windbreaker closer as they neared the freezer section. hinata slips kageyama’s unoccupied hand into his pocket.

for now, he’d do whatever it takes to keep everything going.

•

kageyama refuses to let hinata come to his hospital checkups. they’ve argued about it all too much and hinata is tired of forcing his wishes onto kageyama, so he just lets him be. he tries to not be at home during those times though, the white walls seemed to make him claustrophobic. hinata would either opt to crash at kenma’s BBCORP office - which in reality, is just his shared apartment with kuroo located in downtown kanto. sometimes he would just go for a walk around the tokyo tower, he found that it always calmed his nerves.

so it comes out of the blue when kageyama asks hinata to go with him on a typical friday checkup.

“dr kaoru says she’d love to meet you. i think she mentioned once that her son was a fan of MSBY black jackals.” kageyama mentions it during lunch like it’s nothing. hinata doesn’t reply him for a while and they fall into a sort of foreign silence.

“sure. i’ll drive you this time round.” hinata tries to pinch his face into a smile, but he knows it doesn’t quite reach his eyes sincerely.

hinata hates hospitals, not only because that place smells absolutely horrid, but also because it reminds him of the depleting time kageyama’s lifeline seems to run on. but hinata thinks that if being brave for his other half is the only thing he can do, then that’s what he will do. he tucks his hair under a baseball cap for a more inconspicuous look.

it’s late afternoon when they arrive, there’s a multitude of patients from various ages. there’s innocent children and frail-looking elderly, and there’s kageyama and hinata, who stuck out like sore thumbs. kageyama goes to the reception and hinata waits aside for him.

he sees a couple their age, the woman was wheeling her other half in a wheelchair in the rooftop garden with their hands intertwined. her partner looked much more frail than it should be healthy, but there’s genuine happiness reflected on his face as his partner seemed to crack a joke. they share a laugh, looking out into the distant cityline in the afternoon warmth.

hinata hates seeing people suffer. he truly does, and nothing hurts him more than the fact that he has to go through the process of losing someone he thought he’d never lose.  _ but _ , he tries to think of brighter sides,  _ if the treatments go well, i won’t have to lose him, will i? _

kageyama is back, slipping his familiarly calloused fingers through hinata’s, humming something light under his breathe. even with their masks on, hinata see the curves of kageyama’s eyes squeeze into crescents. his heart throbs, as if restricted from pumping fresh air to hinata’s brain, something in him suddenly hurts. though he isn’t sure why.

“kageyama tobio-san!” a youthful nurse calls out. as hinata walks down the corridor, he notices the permanent sadness that permeated the space. even if the hospital is clean and there are obvious tries of friendly vibes filling the space, hinata’s feels something inevitably sorrowful.

dr kaoru is middle-age, the crow-feet around her eyes as she crinkles her face into a polite smile indicates so. “tobio-san.” she greets kageyama in such a friendly way hinata already hates.  _ don’t be so nice to him _ .

“dr kaoru, this is my fiance, hinata shouyou.” kageyama introduces them both and hinata has no choice but to extend a polite hand in return. the doctor looks at him in a sort of admiring light, “my son really liked you when you played for the MSBY black jackals, hinata-san. it’s good to see you in person.”

hinata doesn’t know what to say, normally he’d be all excited to hear that someone admires him as a fan. but he wasn’t in the mood for today.

“i could leave a sign if you like.” he replies simply, the doctor thanks him. the exchange stops here and the doctor’s expression falls. hinata is sure of that, even if her masks blocks everything else out.

hinata’s eyes remain glossily focused on the piece of prognosis in the doctor’s hand the entire duration. he doesn’t catch her report on kageyama’s illness, and he doesn’t hear her advice for his treatment. everything permeates his mind like water on limestone, seeping deep through cracks silently.

they walk out of the doctor’s office, hinata is barely aware of his fingers clasped between kageyama’s calloused but gentle ones.

“earth to hinata.” a wisp of amusement in the intonations of kageyama’s voice rouses him back to reality. they were already standing outside the hospital, it’s late afternoon and the sun settled lazily on the distant skyline crowded with skyscrapers. hinata mustered his face into an awkward smile. kageyama doesn’t say anything even though his eyes betray him:  _ it’s alright, we will get through this, you don’t have to worry. _

it’s funny, even after all these years together they don’t communicate like normal people should. their methods unconventional through eye contacts and physical touches and small gestures that seem to get through to the other person. unless it’s on the court, for sure they would plan their attacks and defenses. but love doesn’t work that way. it doesn’t have a blueprint, it isn’t a theorized scientific concept or difficult kanji that boggled hinata during high school, despite being similarly unfathomable and distant, it was also nostalgically familiar.

the sun wraps them in a snug cocoon of blinding light, it casts light shadows in the depths of kageyama’s pupils that invigorates hinata, renewing his sense of how ever present their lives are and that there were still days to come - no matter what.

•

the months fly past at lightspeed. hinata rejects invitations from foreign clubs that contacted him with spurred interests. kageyama doesn’t say anything when hinata asks his agent to reject the clubs for him. there’s a sort of delayed denial between them. hinata pretends that things are still doing fine and nothing is changing. it’s a big fat lie, really, and he knows the truth that settles like a huge boulder in the bottom of his stomach, threatening to break through. kageyama feigns ignorance, ignorant of hinata’s denial.

kageyama finds staying at home a nuisance. under some strings pulled by kuroo, he ends up working as a volleyball coach for grade school children at a sports centre. it’s hilarious to hinata for some reason.

“i’m surprised the children haven't all quit because you look mean.” hinata laughs so hard there's a glisten of tears on his eyelashes; kageyama pouts indignantly. while it’s true the kids were shied from him at first, his physique all awkward when trying to please their big puppy eyes and curious energy. they warm up to him after a while, one of the little girls tells him  _ “onii-chan you’re very… very handsome” _ and runs away with a thick blush, kageyama almost choke on his spit. years ago the kids would look at him in fear or awe or a mix of those emotions, they’d tear up then try to get away from him.

_ i guess we all change, _ he thinks to himself satisfyingly as the children take turns to hit his set over a lowered net.

it’s most glorifying when he wears his old team japan jacket to training, the kids all crowd around him excitedly and blast him with questions and praises.  _ “onii-chan is so cool!”, “onii-chan did you meet the tall giants?”, “onii-chan onii-chan can i get the same jacket too!”, “onii-chan’s sets must be so ‘pew’ and ‘boom’!” _ . he laughs, being jostled around by these little balls of energy. it renewed him somehow, that once upon a time he was like them too, running around kazuyo jiichan with no thoughts.

he goes to work twice a week, once on wednesday afternoon and another on saturday morning. he stays home mostly, reading magazines and books like he never did ever in his life. hinata catches him crying over shounen weekly jump one time he got off training early (“kageyama,” hinata started softly, “are you… crying over a manga…?” kageyama violently shakes his head and repeatedly blames it on the spring pollen. but hinata knows all too well that he’s a trashy liar).

•

things almost gets better, eight months after that fateful night hinata felt the world almost ending. kageyama comes home with a huge smile, rare and sincerely reaching the curves of his eyes. hinata found himself being suffocated into a tight embrace that made him dizzy with happiness nonetheless. his prayers worked out alright.

kageyama is a man of many words, but his body language exuded pure joy and relief, knowing that whatever bridges of misfortune and unexpected sorrows do eventually straighten themselves out.

that very night, hinata books a place at a fancy fusion restaurant he’s been meaning to try ever since he saw kenma flaunting his romantic candlelight dinner with kuroo (“rich people,” hinata had sighed overdramatically, but kageyama casually asks him to shut up and check his own bank account. if not for his illness hinata would definitely have hit him with a pillow). 

kageyama is decked in a pristine white dress shirt, ironed to perfect crispness. his navy blue tie had a classy sheen that made hinata feel some way as he helped to straighten it. in fact, kageyama’s entire being made hinata feel some type of way - a way of familiarity coupled with a newly-wed sort of rushing excitement, as if they never passed their honeymoon period. when kageyama is intently slicking his hair with gel hinata couldn’t help with sneaking a small peck by the side of his cherry lips - a clear indication of his renewed vitality.

“god, hinata.” kageyama jokingly wipes the traces of a sloppy kiss. “you’re such a shitty kisser.”

“well then, master kageyama, why don’t you come teach me?” hinata tries to send electric sparks through the air with a sleazy glance. kageyama turns his focus back to his hair, hinata’s attempt to flirt failing spectacularly.

( _ fat lies _ . later that night kageyama does teach hinata how to kiss the proper way)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i never specified kageyama's illness bc i don't think i will be able to do a good job writing about it but just take it as some form of cancer
> 
> they say eat the rich yeah but kenma eats rich :)


End file.
